What is Parental Alienation?
Parental alienation is the phenomenon by which a child is manipulated with false information by a parent who is goal is to discourage the child from having a relationship with the other parent. Most commonly, parental alienation occurs during a divorce or child custody battle, but it is also seen in families that are still together as well. In the United States, it is estimated that close to 19% of the population has been exposed to parental alienation in one form or another.
The alienating parent may employ a plethora of tactics to accomplish their goal of alienating the child from the other parent:
A common type of alienation is ridicule. The offending parent will repeatedly insult and ridicule the other parent in the presence of the child, with the hope that eventually the child will begin to accept that the target parent deserves this. Unfortunately then, the child begins mimicking the behavior and ridicules the victim parent themselves.
In a similar way, alienating parents will take actions to systemically train the child to reject and dislike the other parent. For example, these parents will reward the child when they refuse to visit the other parent or make disparaging comments about them. Likewise, the child is punished for saying positive things about the target parent. This system to incentivize the rejection of one parent by the child is an unfortunately very common type of parental alienation.
Another tactic of alienating parents is called rejection. Here, the child is rejected or ignored when they exhibit affection for the target parent. Like other tactics, the goal is to convince the child to only show negative emotions toward the target parent by repeatedly punishing the child’s positive behavior toward the parent.
Similarly, an alienating parent may fabricate misstatements about the target parent and repeat them over and over to the child. Depending on the age of the child, they may or may not be able to determine what is true and what is false. Finally, offending parents often will simply prevent the child from seeing or communicating with the target parent for as long as possible. In these instances a court order is often needed to stop the alienation.
The effects of parental alienation
Research shows that children subjected to parental alienation in childhood will experience a significantly increased risk of mental health disorders later in life, including various anxiety disorders and/or inappropriate trauma responses, and much, much more. Researchers have also identified other problems these children may experience in adulthood, including emotional pain, addiction and substance use, and coping and resilience issues
“No matter what you think of the other party, these children are one-half of each of you. Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an ‘idiot’ his father is, or what a ‘fool’ his mother is, you are telling the child half of him is bad” (From a divorce ruling, Judge Michael Haas, MN, USA, 2001).
Clinically, parental alienation is a serious mental disorder (abuse actually) in children exposed to one of more of the following factors:
The child avoids, opposes or refuses a relationship with a parent.
The child previously had a positive relationship with that parent prior to rejecting them.
No evidence suggests the targeted parent abused or neglected the child.
The offending parent has used multiple types of alienation tactics.
What type of parents alienate?
Researchers have identified some common characteristics of parents who engage in parental alienation against their ex. Many alienating parents have significant underlying mental health issues including paranoia, narcissistic personality traits, affective disorders, lack of resilience around separation and loss, and even suicidal ideologies. Most of these parents themselves come from unhappy families and usually struggle to have normal relationships with their own parents, brothers and sisters. When confronted with a difficult situation such as a divorce or child custody dispute, these individuals become obsessed with vengeance and retribution.
The Victim Parent
The victim parent (AKA "target" parent), on the other hand, typically possess traits such as a history of passivity and a history of accommodating the excessive demands made by the alienating parent. The psychological effects of the alienation on the target parent can cause that parent to neglect their relationship with the child to avoid the rage of the alienating parent, or because they fear rejection by the alienated child. So in a strange way, victim parents may indirectly contribute to and augment the alienation. The victim parent may also neglect having a relationship with their child because they don’t want to disturb their child or cause more conflict in their life.
The Alienated Child
While any child can become the victim of parental alienation, researchers have found children with certain traits may be more susceptible to parental alienation. These traits include poor self-confidence, anxiety, constant fear and children who exhibit extreme passivity. The detrimental effects of parental alienation on children are clear. These consequences are both immediate and long term, and may include self-esteem issues, anxiety disorders, depression, substance use, increased risk of suicide, and struggles in school. Because a child is in a constant state of development, parental alienation may destroy any chance the child had for a normal development. These consequences can continue even after being reunited with the alienated parent. It’s likely these children will require extensive mental health therapy to attempt to correct the damages inflicted upon them by the alienating parent.
What Can You Do if You are the Target of Parental Alienation?
1. Consider consulting with a mental health professional.
If you begin to notice some of the warning signs of parental alienation, such as your child becoming emotionally distant or if your child refuses to speak with or visit you, you should consult with a mental health professional who is experienced in parental alienation or family reunification therapy. In many instances, you can petition the court to order your child and both parents attend therapy together.
2. Documentation!
In order to combat parental alienation in court, it is essential to keep thorough notes of the behavior exhibited by the alienating parent. In the way, it is also possible to see if the abuse is intensifying.
3. Become educated.
Understanding the mindset of the alienating parent, as well as the effects on the child, is important to successfully fight back against the alienation. Understanding the effects on your child may alter the manner if which you perceive your child’s actions, and consequently your response to their behavior. Again as discussed above, it is a natural reaction for alienated parents to give up and therefore indirectly contribute to the alienation themselves.
4. Reduce Conflict
Most alienating parents crave conflict and thus sometimes the best response to their behavior is to simply ignore it and act like it is ineffective. The only aspect of all of this the alienated parent can control themselves is simply their own response to the chaos.
Parental alienation red lights:
Rejection of parental affection
Perpetrating parent constantly calls and texts the child and other target parent during their visitations
Use of age-inappropriate language.
The child calls the alienating parent to tattle on the target parent.
Lack of desire to participate in extracurricular activities.
Child refuses to follow the parenting plan and instead makes related decisions on their own.
Refusal to visit or communicate.
Lack of rational excuse for rejecting the targeted parent.
If you feel you or your child is the victim of parental alienation, it is important to take action now. This is child abuse! Contact a family law attorney experienced in this type of child abuse. At the Men’s Center for Domestic Resolution, attorney Rob Davis is dedicated to helping men through difficult domestic situations and ensuring their right to have a meaningful relationship with their child. For a consultation, please contact us through our website or call us at (816) 287-1530. We are Cass County’s only family law firm dedicated to helping solely men and fathers.
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