Today’s families are becoming more and more complex. This includes many divorced parents, or co-parents sharing custody of a child usually eventually finding a new partner and beginning a new romantic relationship. Bringing new partners into a co-parenting situation, however, has significant inherent challenges and pitfalls. If a divorce is still new and emotional wounds have not begun to heal, introducing a new partner into a relationship can create jealously and animosity with the opposite co-parent.
When is it ok to introduce your kids to a new relationship?
Experts agree a good rule of thumb is that you should be in a new relationship for 6-12 months before you consider introducing this person to your children. When making the decision of when to introduce your children to a new partner you need to be sure the relationship is healthy and long term, and you need to consider whether your children are ready. When your children are ready to meet your new parters depends a lot on their age, as well as their emotional maturity. It's advisable to wait before you introduce new relationships with your children until after the honeymoon phases in the relationship has ended.
In an ideal world, co-parents should work together and rationally discuss if and when a new partner should be introduced into the family. Unfortunately this is not what usually occurs. This situation can become even more complicated when the new partner themselves has children. In this scenario, you are not just introducing a new potential step-parent into the family, you are introducing potential new stepchildren, stepbrothers and stepsisters.
Once a divorced person reaches a certain age, most of their potential partners will have likely have children. Integrating your own children with the children of a new partner can be complex. Not only are there concerns with combining each other’s children in a house, concerns related to your children’s relationship with your new partner, but new relationships often cause animosity with you ex or co parent.
Many people have grown up with a step parent involved in their life and I am no different. However, the breakup of a family can have serious emotional consequences on the children involved, and it is important that parents keep this in mind. These negative effects can often be exacerbated when a new partner of one or both parents is introduced into the situation. Not to mention, the new partner's children are in the same boat, and their wellbeing must also considered be when it comes to new partners.
Often the introduction of a new partner into the lives of co-parented children causes considerable animosity with the other parent. For parents dealing with the raw emotions stemming from the break up of their family, the last thing they want is to feel is replaced. Many women don’t want another woman mothering their children and many men don’t want another man fathering their children. The jealousy and hurt feelings can make co-parenting with your ex all the more challenging.
It’s important to consider your ex’s feelings when you decide to introduce your children to a new partner. In a healthy co-parenting relationship, these types of issues should be discussed prior to any new introductions.
One of the most common scenarios I see playing out is when a man finds another woman to essentially raise his children for him. Let’s face it, some men were not made to be hands on parents and really need a woman involved in their lives to help them parent their children. Not only this, but some men I’ve met are so dependent on women they are unable to function well and take care of their own matters without a woman. This is not the behavior of a healthly male.
Consequently these men typically find another partner quickly after the end of the relationship with their co-parent. Unfortunately this new partner becomes more of a parent to his children than the man is himself. Then the new female partner ends up trying to co-parent with the children’s mother. This rarely works and is usually a bad idea. As a father you need to co-parent with your ex. There is nothing wrong with a step-mother playing a significant role in your children’s lives, but when it comes to communicating with and co-parenting with your children’s mother, that is your responsibility. In the rare instance when your partner gets along with your ex better than you do, then things might be different. In my experience this is rarely the case.
Tips for planing a successful introduction to a new partner....
Pick a neutral place that your child likes such as a park, ice cream store or a fun restaurant.
Keep it brief and low-key. Subsequent meetings can be longer, however, if the first meeting went fine.
Avoid physical displays of affection.
Communicate with your child to see if they have any questions or concerns either before or after the meeting.
If you are a man facing a divorce or child custody dispute in Jackson County, Missouri or Cass County, Missouri, please call us at the Men's Center for Domestic Resolution at (816) 287-1530. Our passion is to help men in the Kansas City, MO area through family law issues. We represent men in Pleasant Hill, MO, Lee's Summit, MO, Harrisonville, MO, Blue Springs, MO and many other areas in the KCMO metro area.
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