As hard as divorces are, there are worse things in life. Most people who go through a divorce will eventually admit it was the right thing to do for both partners involved. Healing does take time though. And although the break up of a family is very hard, so is staying in an unhappy marriage. If your life feels empty and you don’t have enthusiasm like you used to, you need to evaluate what parts of your life are bringing you down. It’s an unfortunate reality of human nature that people simply change, and the person you married will not be the same person in 20 years.
A divorce can be a new start. Common signals that you need to evaluate your life are:
A marriage that has taken the joy out of life, leaving you without dreams and without passion. A divorce could be the new start you are looking for to be able to live the life you believe you were destined to live. It can be an inspiring experience to feel free to make your own choices in life. Let’s face it, life is short. You only get a certain number of years in this life, and in my opinion wasting those years being unhappy, hoping your relationship will change is sad.
2. People are unlikely to change the way they behave in relationships. Often we think we know everything about someone before we marry them, but clearly it is impossible to know everything about someone. The way people behave in relationships is in a large part determined by the quality of the family they were raised in. Unfortunately the trauma or damage most of us experienced in childhood in one way or the other doesn’t always manifest itself until later in life when we start our own families.
3. Staying in a loveless, unhealthy or abusive relationship harms everyone involved, including the children. A divorce could even improve your relationship with your spouse. When the pressure of a marriage and decision making is taken away, you may find that your spouse and you make better parents as separated co-parents. Also, children who grow up in abusive or unhealthy families are more likely to end up having a similar family when they get married and have children.
4. A divorce may improve your relationship with your children. When the animosity of an unhealthy marriage is gone, it is much easier to bond with your children and make stronger connections with them because it is no longer consistently a negative environment. This is not a dress rehearsal, this is your life and you do not get another chance so you better enjoy it.
5. Self-Healing and Self-Reflection. Divorce often provides an opportunity for the parties to self-reflect and discover what they want in life before moving on. This process is crucial for those from long-term marriages who sacrified their own goals and happiness for the sake of the marriage and their spouse. Healing and reflection aren't necessarily about determining what went wrong in the marriage, rather it's about healing from emotional pain, and rebuilding yourself into a stronger person so you don't find yourself again in a painful life situation in the future. It's our body's natural defense mechanism to avoid pain.
6. Freedom. One of the more positive aspects of divorce is the increased independence and freedom you can experience. Many married people feel as if they put their dreams on hold or gave up on their dreams in order to get married and have children. All too often those who have been stuck in a stifling marriage with frequent confrontation and animosity, end up feeling elated, and describe their post divorce experience as liberating.
7. Escaping from an unhealthy relationship can have a beneficial effect not only on your mental health, but on your physical health as well. Removing the negativity can improve depression, high blood pressure and reduce your risk for a variety of other medical problems for which stress is a risk factor.
As many of us have seen, people tend to focus on their physical health, and they are seen dieting and exercising more when they are single. Sure this is partly because they are on the prowl for new partners and want to put their best foot forward, but its also because many people "let themselves go" during a marriage or relationship. It's easy to become comfortable in a relationship and neglect your own mental and physical health. Paradoxically, one or both partners letting themselves go, physically and/or mentally, is also a cause of divorce and break ups.
8. The possibility of finding a more compatible partner is real. Could there a partner out there who could make life much more enjoyable? You’ll never know as long as you are stuck in a marriage. The answer is there probably is someone out there you would be happier with. However, the thought of someone better, in and of itself, is not a reason to get divorced. Often dissatisfaction in a marriage has as much to do with your own personal mental health and happiness, as it does with your partner. It's important to make sure your mental health is well, and that the marriage is actually bringing you down, before you make any major decisions. Once you file for divorce, things will never be the same again with your spouse.
In conclusion, although the process of getting divorced isn’t pleasant and can be downright emotionally devastating, in many instances it was the right decision, and both spouses usually realize it within a year or two after divorcing. After the emotional wounds have healed and the parties have begun to move on with their lives, most clients wish they would have gotten divorced sooner because they wasted so much time staying in an unhealthy relationship for fear of the unknown. Remember a divorce is not necessarily a failure and it doesn't mean that you or your spouse is a broken person.
A divorce can simply mean two people grew apart and they are no longer compatible. Everyone is enamored by the stories from our grandparent's generations where they stayed married for 50+ years. The reality is, not only have people changed, but time has changed also. I suspect some of those people from that era would have been happier alone or with a different partner, but divorce was just not that socially acceptable back then.
If you are a man in Cass County, Missouri considering a divorce, you should call an experienced attorney such as Rob Davis at the Men’s Center for Domestic Resolution in Pleasant Hill, Cass County, Missouri.
We are dedicated to helping men through divorce or child custody disputes in the southern part of the Kansas City, Missouri metropolitan area. Please call us at (816) 287-1530 to schedule an appointment with Mr. Davis to discuss what our office can do for you. You can also reach attorney Rob Davis by email at rob@kcmensdivorce.com
Yours truly,
Rob Davis, Attorney at Law
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