Child discipline is a topic many co-parents stuggle with following a divorce or child custody dispute in Missouri. Generally decision making regarding how the child is reared is addressed legal custody, but parents are often free to parent how they would like, to an extent, when their child is with them.
Throughout much of the history of mankind, parents have been relatively free to discipline their children in whatever manner they chose. Physical discipline to children by parents has been widely accepted and deemed effective throughout time. Physical discipline includes the common practice of spanking, but also includes any action designed to cause physical pain or emotional fear in the child, in order to encourage a desired behavior, or discourage an unwanted behavior.
Many parents feel that physical discipline of children is not only effective, but essential in quashing undesirable behavior in order to develop humans who will become good, healthy, and productive citizens in society. In some societies, physical discipline of children remains completely uncontrolled, legal and acceptable.
The right to physically discipline your own child as you choose has changed considerably over the past few decades, especially in the United Sates. Traditionally mild to moderate physical punishment of children was seen as an effective and accepted deterrent to unwanted behavior. Although times have changed and physical punishment of children is generally much less accepted, many in our society believe this shift is wrong. The belief is for some children, predominantly boys, physical punishment is a necessary and effective part of parenting.
When I grew up in Lee's Summit, Missouri one of my friends would get whipped on his bare butt with a belt, and another neighborhood friend was punished by spankings from his father with a ping pong paddle the father nicknamed “the red smoker.” I was more fortunate I suppose, all I ever got was an occasional mild slap to the face by my father.
Times have changed!
Today if you strike your child and it leaves a mark on their skin, the State of Missouri considers your actions child abuse. Not only that, but most kids are now aware of society’s view of physical discipline to kids and if they are so inclined, your own children may report you to school officials or the appropriate state agency.
If you are reported to the State of Missouri Children’s Protection Division, they can and will make your life a living hell. My experience in representing men dealing with CPS in Missouri has been disheartening. In my experience the agency is predominantly staffed by females, and they seem to have no interest in giving fathers the benefit of the doubt. Rather, in my experience the division of child protection services behaves more like a police detective whose only goal is to secure a prosecution. Some accused men have ended up on a state registry which basically names them as a domestic abuser for life. Like with many government agencies, the intent to prevent child abuse is valid in Missouri, but the execution is sometimes flawed.
Child discipline after a divorce or child custody judgment…
Child discipline following a divorce or child custody decree is even more tenuous. If the relationship between the co-parents is contentious, one co-parent may be waiting for ammunition to use against the other. Child discipline can easily become that ammunition. If accusations of abuse are made against you as a co-parent, not only do you have to deal with the potential fallout from a state Child Protective Services investigation, you have to deal with your ex potentially using these allegations against you to harm your relationship with your child or limit your time with them by challenging the child custody agreement. Be careful fellas!
Alternative methods of parenting and child discipline….
On a basic human level, desired behavioral changes are more likely to occur as a result of positive reinforcement for good behavior, than from punishment for bad behavior. The Emory University School of Medicine published recommendations regarding non physical punishment of children.
First, try to create an environment of encouragement rather than punishment. Consistently rewarding desirable behavior works better than reactionary punishment. When giving instructions to your child, tell them what they should do instead of telling them what not to do. When you do punish your child for bad behavior the punishment must be immediately after the undesirable behavior.
As times change, parents must adapt. The ways our parents disciplined us when we were young often is considered to be child abuse today. Consistently is very important in promoting behavior change. It’s unproductive to punish a certain behavior some days but not on other days. When you do punish your children, try to choose punishments which would be a natural outcome of the behavior. For example if your child fails to pick up their toys when they are supposed to, simply take away the toys for a small amount of time.
Effective co-parenting in a divorce in Missouri involves complicated issues. It is highly recommended to consult with a Missouri family law attorney. Attorney Rob Davis at the Men's Center for Domestic Resolution is dedicated to helping men struggling with child custody and co-parenting issues. Please give us a call at (816) 287-1530 for an in person or virtual initial consultation so we can show you how we can help you through this.
At the Men's Center for Domestic Resolution, we represent men struggling with divorce and child custody issues in Cass County, Missouri and Jackson County, Missouri. The Men's Center for Domestic Resolution is the trusted attorney representing men in Cass County.
Your's truly,
Rob Davis, Attorney at Law
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